Indecision feels frustrating & always asking; ‘WHY am I so indecisive?’ feels worse.  We get stuck in thinking there is a “right” answer & if we work harder we’ll find it.

In truth, there is rarely a ‘right’ choice & no amount of hard work creates one.

In this article, I show you how to reclaim your decision-making ability by detaching from the idea that there’s a RIGHT one & not clinging so much to its outcome.

I’ll teach you how to:

1. LEAN into what’s preventing a choice,
2. REDEFINE what a decision is &
3. use a BRAND NEW STRATEGY when you’re stuck.

Some reasons we are so indecisive:

1. We think every step is risky.
2. Catastrophize the outcome of our choices, freeze & become too afraid to decide.
3. Fear what people will say or think.
4. Fear of failure if we choose wrongly & do nothing instead.
5. Think our circumstances are a reflection of our value.
6. Get frustrated trying to “control” what happens by never making a mistake.

When we’re chronically indecisive, the simplest vending machine choice can tie us in knots.

We spend time vacillating between options: whether or not to buy that shirt, what to order on the menu, asking everyone, “What would you do? What do you think? Should I take that job,…?”  I call this poll-taking.

Once we finally made a choice, we hustled so hard to get it we’re too exhausted to enjoy it.

It’s easy to get fed up and wonder: “Why can’t I decide already?  What’s wrong with me?”  & beat ourselves up for it.  OR we don’t like the outcome of the choice we made, call it “wrong,” beat ourselves up for that & then spend time in regret.

Either way, we let a response or outcome (& outcomes we can’t control) INFLUENCE HOW WE THINK ABOUT OURSELVES.

The Science:

1.  Constant indecision is our mind’s (unhelpful) way of ‘controlling’ our environment.  It wants us to be safe – it’s a survival strategy.  If we feel anxious about a choice, our mind senses danger.  It tries to get “control” of the situation by looking around for the “right” solution to the problem that will keep us from harm.

2.  When we tell ourselves we need the “right” answer, our brain darts in all directions looking for it.  But it doesn’t know there may not BE a right answer, so it looks in vain to answer an unanswerable question.

Unless an actual emergency is at hand, this primal response does nothing more than drag you through pain.
Yes, we’re alive (thanks, brain), but we’re also completely stressed out.

– LEANING in – Why can’t I be more Decisive?

A big part of decisiveness comes from self-trust.  Your primary caregivers influence how much you value & trust your ideas & preferences.

Either overtly or covertly, if you weren’t taught how to value your ideas, you’ll find it difficult to trust your opinions, and you likely feel unclear about decision-making.  To feel safe, you have to compensate somewhere for that lack of self-trust.

HOW WE COMPENSATE – we form habits that we think are helpful but are not.  These are a few:

1. We think we can’t handle the consequences of a “wrong” choice.
2. The Magic Bullet – if we wait, something is going to happen that will make it clear what we “should” do.
3. Thinking if someone else were in our shoes, they’d know the right thing to do.
4. Harshly criticize ourselves for making mistakes.
5. Deciding we need permission before choosing or doing something new.

How To Trust Ourselves
– REDEFINING Decisiveness-

HOW ABOUT we take the pressure off you?  Let’s stop asking WHY you are indecisive.  INSTEAD, let’s REDEFINE what a decision is:  A decision doesn’t define you.  It is simply the considered option you think gets you what you want.

Looking at it in this more NEUTRAL fashion, let’s address the habits that keep us indecisive:

1. “Wrong” Choice.
We can spend a lot of time thinking there is a right choice, but there rarely is – most things are not as black and white.  It’s often impossible to know which choice or opinion is the best.

We can search endlessly for a “right” choice or we can decide to trust our own preferences & choose based on what we want, not what we think we “should” want.

2. Magic Bullet Thinking.
Waiting for something magical to point to the correct choice is a method of avoiding mistakes. It’s rooted in perfectionism (among other things).  But it doesn’t prevent errors; it keeps us from moving forward.

The brain thinks we’re safe if we’re frozen, not deciding (the freeze part of the flight, fight, freeze mechanism).

3. We think if someone else were in our shoes, they’d know the right thing to do.
When you’re indecisive, the problem isn’t indecision; the problem is thinking your desire is wrong & judging yourself for it.

Since everyone has different wants & desires, no one has a right or better answer than you.  Does that make your desire wrong or less “right”?  No…just different.

4.  We’re human and allowed to make mistakes.
By our definition, a “wrong” choice is a decision that didn’t get us the thing we wanted, therefore, it’s not a moral evaluation of who we are.  It’s just a choice that didn’t give us the outcome we wanted.

My response? – Change my mind.  You are allowed to go back & try again—Re-choose without judging yourself.

5.  Needing Permission.
If we need permission to move ahead on a choice, we will spend a lot of time waiting.  Each new life circumstance will include wrestling down a new round of questions (poll taking), false hopes & beating ourselves up for mistakes.

Every time you engage in waiting for someone to tell you what to do, you create more reasons to believe that you are indecisive & keep yourself stuck.

All of these strategies are flight or freeze responses that our brain uses to keep us safe.  They are meant to be helpful, but they create helplessness & ultimately impatience & anger instead.  They create confusion, not clarity & keep you frozen, not advancing.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE CLARITY.

THE PROBLEM OF INDECISION IS NOT THE ABSENCE OF DECIDING; IT’S THE ABSENCE OF TRUSTING.

THE GOOD NEWS?  Either covertly or overtly, self-trust is taught.  People who trust themselves don’t come by it naturally & nor do you!

Self-trust isn’t reserved for confident, extroverted, massive-action types.  Maybe you missed some teaching in your childhood, but you can make up for it now because self-trust is a learned skill that can happen at any age!

THE OTHER GOOD NEWS?  The playing field is much more level than we think.  No one has a crystal ball.  Not you, not I can see the end of every story.  People who trust themselves trust that they’ll learn from their mistakes and move on.

They make as many “wrong” choices as people who don’t trust themselves quite as much.  The difference is that they don’t judge themselves for their outcomes.

1.  – New STRATEGY – for Indecisiveness

What if instead of believing those thought habits we talked about (& experiencing their drama), we try some other strategies?:

1. Make A choice.  See what happens.  It doesn’t have to work just make it.
2. Ask ourselves if there has to be a right choice.
3. Gently let ourselves know we’ll be ok if we don’t like the outcome.
4. Allow a little trust – tell ourselves that we can always change our minds.  If we don’t like our outcome, we can figure out a way to handle it.
5. Allow ourselves a way to conclude that we aren’t defined by circumstances & outcomes.
6. Indecision will happen once in a while, even with the best efforts; therefore, give yourself some grace in those times you feel indecisive.  Maybe that’s just part of the human experience.
7. Loosen our grip a little.  Let some things happen.  Allow space for life to unfold – we never had the control we thought we did.
8. Even if my decision doesn’t produce the intended result, I’m not likely to wreck my life as a result.  We have to work pretty hard to blow things entirely.  Everything is temporary, including the results of our mistakes & our wins.
9. If we are Especially indecisive about something, it doesn’t matter what you choose.  Project yourself forward a year from now, & imagine how little you’ll remember about the decision, but HOW MUCH you’ll remember torturing yourself over it.
10. Lean in & instead of asking unanswerable questions, give your mind a different question: ask WHY you need the “right” answer:  Why do I have to make the “right” choice?  What am I looking for?  What am I trying to PRESERVE?  What am I afraid of LOSING?  What am I AVOIDING? What do I fear I’ll GAIN?

2.  Write YOUR Paradigm & Avoid Indecision

The way we do business, operate in our relationships, decide what our values, attitudes, & boundaries are (or not), etc…creates the way we function in life; this is our PERSONAL PARADIGM.  Everyone has a Paradigm they operate from & it changes as we change.

We get into trouble when our Paradigm is based on the standards, fears, motivations & goals of someone else.  The beliefs that influence someone else’s paradigm are distinct from the ones that influence you thus you cannot adopt somebody’s paradigm because it looks good or works for them.

Equally, the beliefs of a North American society do not always work for the individual.  For example, we are told if we go to school, get good grades, get a degree & work hard, we’ll attain the goals we want.  But that is neither necessarily true nor does it fit each personality type.  Not everyone thrives by living according to our cultural traditions.

As paradigms apply to decision-making: it is great to ask people their opinions; however when you aren’t sure what to do, count yourself in.  Start listening to your preferences & Write Your Paradigm.

Invest the time to learn more about yourself & what rules you want to play by instead of the ones handed down to you or influencing you.

3.  Get curious about indecision.

Instead of judging yourself & asking with anger ask why you are so indecisive with curiosity – Is the Paradigm I operate from working for me?  Did I write this Paradigm?  If you are in the habit of asking others what to do, approach their suggestions with the mind of an Analyst: you’ll select from their opinions what fits you, not what fits them.

Another person’s Paradigm won’t fit you.
Yours is the only one with a perfect fit.

Your preferences count AS MUCH as another person’s.
Our minds always listen to what we spend time on & count those things as valuable.

Sometimes the action precedes the belief.  We value what we pay attention to.  Currently, you may not value your opinions.  However, over time as you listen to your preferences more, you will start to value your own desires & choices (& yourself) more.

New habits will form.  As a consequence, you will feel more at peace with yourself regarding decision-making.  Then you’ll start to let go of the idea of the “right” outcomes & build a heap-load of self-trust.

In the end, things turn out; however, they will turn out regardless of how much worry we put into them.  Pick one (easy) thing & decide not to overthink it; allow yourself to experience that nothing bad happens.

The more we do that, the more momentum we build in our level of self-trust till one day you might hear yourself say:  “Hey, that situation turned out well & I didn’t even worry about it!”.

In this article, I teach you how to UN-STICK regret & stop beating yourself up for making the “wrong” choices: I Made The Wrong Choice.  How to Stop The Decisions-Critic.

Other Relevant Posts:
Articles on Self Worth:  SELF-WORTH CATEGORY

When Speaking Up Means Losing a Friendship.