Fighting intense emotions is like fighting an incoming wave; they will surround & submerge you again.

Feelings can hit us like a wall of water that we didn’t see coming & don’t know how to get out from under.

In this article I’ll teach you:

1. How to change the relationship with your feelings,
2. to neutralize judging overwhelming sensations,
3. making realistic goals & helpful thoughts,
4. when to Train Your Brain & when to slow down.

How Do We Stop Stress?

1.  A New Relationship with Intense Emotions

Look at your relationship with your emotions.

When intense feelings come out of nowhere it helps to know what you are dealing with before making a change.

Part of that knowledge is getting to know how we’re wired in our reaction patterns to stressful stimuli.

Some of us are wired for higher adrenaline levels in our responses to otherwise neutral events.  We might have learned that from our parents, been given a clinical diagnosis, or it’s the result of experiences that caused trauma (PTSD).

Understandably we have a negative association with a feeling that makes us feel afraid.  However, we’re also conditioned to react instead of responding to that fear.

Typically, we judge ourselves negatively for experiencing stress & anxiety.  The truth is, unless we’re in physical danger, those responses are learned.

Most fear is just a thought. We are typcially not in physical danger when we experience emotional overwhelm.

2. Intense Emotions are not good or bad:

We’ve been taught that uncomfortable emotions are destructive & to suppress or avoid them.  But it’s an unsustainable way to live when we think about that.

LIFE IS 50% BAD & 50% GOOD.

When I think about an average day, about half of my thoughts are “positive,” & half are negative thoughts.  So as I look back on the past decades of my life, it’s about split down the middle; half of it was welcome experiences, half was not.

You don’t want to struggle trying to stop every unwanted thought, emotion or “negative” event that happens for half your life.  That strategy will exhaust you.

There’s a better way to look at “stopping” stress & that is to neutralize my life events (except for being chased by a Wooley Mammoth).

Armed with the knowledge that both good and bad will happen, beyond my control, it’s way more sustainable to accept it, not fight it.  When I do that, I can decide the thoughts I want &, therefore how I want to respond in life.

 

PERFECTION IS NOT THE GOAL.

We tend to think that once we know a better way of responding, we’re supposed to do it “right” from then on.  When we don’t stop or manage stress according to “the plan,” we judge ourselves for being weak or incapable.  Welcome to perfectionist thinking!

I don’t neutralize my stress or anxiety every time I experience it & neither will you.  Perfection isn’t the goal; the goal is to react less, and respond more.  Not perfectly, not 100% of the time, but more often than before.

Sometimes rushing into “the plan” can be a form of perfectionism & avoiding the emotional experience.

Have a plan ready for anxiety, but before rushing into the plan, CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF:

1. Ask, “what do I need right now?”
2. Take a breath.
3. Recognize the other sensations in your body right now that aren’t in panic…the feeling of your feet on the floor or back against the chair.
4. Tap into those sensations & you’ll reduce some of the focus on the anxiety-produced feelings.
5. Then gently move into your behaviour or thought-based plans for moving past the anxiety.  (I’ll cover behaviour & thought based methods in a future post)

3.  Watch your thoughts about intense emotions:

If your thoughts focus on how terrible something is, you increase your terrible experience of it.

That thinking will also increase the likelihood of anticipatory anxiety:  Feeling anxious before you are in an anxiety-inducing situation.
You’ll likely think catastrophically about it:

• “I feel like I’m going crazy,
• I’m the only one going through this,
• I’m so messed up,
• This is unbearable.”

There are times you won’t be comfortable.  Learning to be ok with undesirable things is a mindset shift that will help you cope when life gets hard.

Control is an illusion.  Increase your tolerance for ambiguity to handle the uncertainties of life better.

Learn to be still.  Instead of running when you feel those familiar anxious emotions, learn to be still with them. (see HERE for how to be with an emotion)

RESIST THE URGE to flee & SLOW DOWN when you’re overwhelmed with intense emotions:

• Start with 10 seconds.
• Set a timer so you know an end is coming soon.
• Notice the sensation without the thoughts:
  • Where do I feel anxiety in my body?
  • What colour is it?
  • What shape is it?
• Repeat these:
  • “Ok, this is anxiety.
  • It’s a moment of stress.
  • I’m going to observe this for the next 10 seconds without reacting.
  • I might have some thoughts, but I’ll choose not to react to those right now & let them go by.
  • Those are just thoughts, not truth, just like anxiety is just a feeling, not a fact.
  • Feelings are not facts.
  • Thoughts are not truths“

4.  Train Your Brain Like A Muscle & ease intense emotions

Time Under Tension: This refers to the amount of time a muscle is held under tension to optimize it’s strength & growth.

Your brain works the same way!  It is not a muscle, it’s an organ, but the brain learns just like a muscle.  Just like muscles, the brain benefits from responsible exposure to increasing tension or strain.  It’s never comfortable at first, but during that exposure, you build strength + endurance.

The more you expose it, the more strength you build, but over-exposure causes damage & delays healing, also like a muscle.

If you start your biceps muscle training curling 50lbs., you’ll likely:
– strain the tissue,
– have to take time off your training &
– be tempted to give up the idea altogether.

Instead, start with light resistance & just enough repetitions to feel slightly tired, but not harmed or exhausted.

The same rule applies to your relationship with anxiety.  If you fear social situations, you won’t be effective in exposing yourself to attending a huge party.  Instead, start with a visualization technique, or go to the grocery store for one item at a time when there aren’t many people in the store.

Likewise, if you fear your stress or sadness & try to distract or resist FEELING your feelings you won’t get the chance to build your ability to handle them when they appear.

 

5.  Build the Observing Ego & Stop Fusing With Intense Emotions

The observing ego is your ability to watch yourself respond, change with & process an event as you experience it.  Whenever you do this, you get to know yourself better & gain more control over your reactions.

🌿IDENTIFYING WITH EMOTION:  If you identify with your fear-based behaviours every time you feel anxious, you reinforce to yourself that “that’s just the kind of person I am.”  This creates a fusion type of relationship with stress: that our stress response defines us as a “stressed out” person.

🌿PSYCHOLOGICAL FLEXIBILITY:  On the other hand, if you observe yourself; you build Psychological Flexibility: the ability to stay in contact with the present moment in the presence of uncomfortable thoughts or feelings.  When you can sit with the anxiety and NOT let it boss you around as much, you’ve shown yourself that there are options available to you.  With practice, you’ll begin to trust that you can choose how you want to respond to anxiety instead of it telling you what to do.

🌿OBSERVE YOURSELF:  Building the “muscle skill” of observing yourself helps you identify less as an “anxious” person & more as a person who sometimes experiences anxiety.  In other words, you practise watching your anxiety as a part of who you are.  It’s not the core/truth of your being, but an experience a part of you is having.

Remember, anxiety and stress aren’t who you are, they are an experience like many other experiences you have in life. 
They don’t define you & experiencing them doesn’t mean you are broken.

🌿Related Articles:

How To Stop Stressing About The Future.
Accept The Things You Cannot Change.
Sneaky Ways Fear is Holding You Back.  6 Ways To Face Your Fears and Build Resilience.
Make Confident Choices & Stop Regretting So Much!