Accepting negative emotions is nobody’s jam.

When our biggest negative emotions come knocking, we’d rather punch them in the face than face them down.

Denying uncomfortable emotions is so commonplace, we often don’t even know we’re doing it.  Why wouldn’t we push aside discomfort – it’s uncomfortable!  

• – Our feelings get all out of control. 
• – Suddenly, the world stops. 
• – Our mind goes blank.
• – All those tunnel vision, heart-pounding, mind-numbing moments!  

The desire is to run away, stuff, numb, replace or OFF-LOAD those emotions onto someone else. 

But when we try to escape our negative emotions – eventually, they come out in other ways. 

We might get more controlling – suddenly, the house can’t get clean enough.  Or we might avoid them by using alcohol or drugs & then have to deal with those consequences. 

Some coping strategies create a secondary problem in our effort to escape the primary one.  The irony is – our ACTIONS are run by the thing we THINK we are escaping. 

Life gets uncomfortable. We will be betrayed, hurt, divorced, lied to, damaged, abused.  This is part of being human & we’ll feel uncomfortable emotions as a result. 

We can deny those feelings, but if we do, they will express themselves in our beliefs & often toward other people who have nothing to do with what’s going on inside of us. 

Bottom line:  when we resist accepting negative emotions, we won’t know what is driving our behaviour & responses to situations.  It’s kind of like running around with a blindfold on & a knife in our hands.  We usually hurt ourselves & others as a result. 

We prefer denial over acceptance because: 

1. It’s uncomfortable, and we don’t like to feel discomfort.
2. We fear that if we open that door to our pain, even a crack, we’ll never stop feeling it.
3. We judge ourselves for having the emotion. That having them means we’re weak or escaping them means we’re unable to deal with them.
4. Accepting negative emotions can feel discouraging.  We might conclude that we aren’t as “together” as we want to be or that there’s something wrong with us.
5. We were taught to avoid or repress negative emotions. Maybe our caregivers dealt with emotions this way & now we do too.

 

The truth is, staying still, listening to the discomfort & accepting negative emotions gets us a better result than trying to escape them.  

To make it easier on yourself, plan for negative emotions.  

TRY THIS PLAN ON YOUR NEGATIVE FEELINGS:

1. Name it:  “This is a moment of pain (of betrayal, of ___).” Accepting negative emotions begins by naming the feeling.  Just like identifying something unknown, naming it brings the emotion into the “known” & reduces fear.  
2. Tell yourself this isn’t permanent. “Like everything – feelings come & go. I’ve had feelings before &  they have left. This one will too.”
3. Ask some questions: Who in your childhood did the same thing?  Where did you learn this response?  Start to investigate the reasons you are avoiding the tough emotions.
4. Neutralize it. You aren’t wrong or weak for having a negative feeling. They are feelings like positive ones. Instead of criticizing yourself for having a negative emotion, look at it with curiosity & ask it the questions in #3.
5. Where are you vulnerable?  We deny our negative feelings more in the areas we feel vulnerable in.  Be curious about where you feel vulnerable, afraid, uncertain or angry.  
6. Look for patterns.  Do you deny your feelings or hide your thoughts more in some situations than others: on certain topics or with particular people? 

Have compassion for yourself (check out this article for more on compassion: Compassion For Others: What Is Holding Us Back?).  You are a human being having a human experience, and negative emotions are part of that.  Experiencing them means nothing bad about you…

Have grace for yourself. Congratulate yourself for being brave enough even to consider a different way of looking at this. 

It is brave to face discomfort & it takes practice sitting with it without judgment. 

The fact you got this far in the article tells me you juuust might be stronger than you think & ready for a little more inner acceptance than you thought.💛

For more strategies on facing your negative emotions, check out these articles:
How To Face Your Fears & Build Resilience.  
How To Stop Stressing About the Future
10 Confidence Boosters That Reform Your Thinking.
Healthy Thoughts & Mindset Strategies Blog