How many times have you thought you made the wrong choice?
Sometimes, we wish we could go back in time & change a decision. We may think we took the easy way out of something: We chose a job, house, relationship, school that doesn’t fit & later determine it was the wrong choice.
Or maybe we don’t like the motivation we had when we made a choice & spend time wishing we could go back & change it.
We’ve all been there; you aren’t alone in any of those regrets.
There’s nothing wrong with questioning our circumstances. It’s how we assess where we want to be. But judging ourselves for being in the circumstance is not helpful & not the way to move forward.
Here’s what happens when we don’t like the result of our choice & then make it mean something about ourselves:
- You lose your job – conclusion: That makes you a loser.
- A relationship fails – conclusion: That makes you a failure.
- You eat too much sugar – conclusion: You have no willpower.
We forget to question the validity of that conclusion & call it a fact without further examination. “Because I didn’t keep my promise to myself to “____,” it means “____” about me.”
A “wrong choice” isn’t a name tag you wear for life.
Your decisions aren’t the de facto portrayal of your character.
Our choices play a role in forming us. I’m not saying otherwise.
But that is not the end of the story.
“I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday.” Elanor Roosevelt
This quote has always unsettled me. It says two things – On the one hand, it’s empowering & affirms that we can choose a new path & make the changes we want to make. We can indeed change how we experience life through our choices.
On the flip side, read another way, that phrase can easily send the (very mistaken) message that the choices we made yesterday define who we are today.
Now, I’m sure that wasn’t the intention of the honourable former First Lady — but let’s be real, I know plenty of people who read their past results as evidence that there’s something fundamentally wrong with them.
And to that, I say:
I’m not buying it.
Our choices result in experiences that shape & influence us, but they do not define or permanently represent who we are. Why? Because we don’t exist in a permanent state.
Give yourself some grace. Your choices don’t label, establish or affix you to one place. Instead, they are a reflection of your current & ever-changing preferences.
Add to that, there are many reasons beyond our control that create the circumstances we find ourselves in.
Personal Moment:
I live in a rental. There was a time I felt like a failure for not yet owning a home. I had not met the requirements about the life I had decided I was “supposed” to be living by the time I was “supposed” to be living it.
Worse yet, I live in a neighbourhood of mostly owners. They own, I rent so Clearly, my conclusion used to be, “I don’t belong in this neighbourhood.”
I made the circumstance define my value & what I “deserved” to have or not to have.
If I’d taken a step back, however, I would have seen reality as I do now. I had many GOOD reasons for not being a homeowner today:
- Many years ago, I made a conscious decision to take in less income & purchase more family time.
- I knew I might delay homeownership as a result.
- The time I needed was worth delaying homeownership to me.
Homeownership eventually became a higher priority; however, earlier in my life, it wasn’t.
Therefore, deciding NOW that my choice THEN was wrong is neither fair on me nor an accurate portrayal of the facts.
Because the fact is, I didn’t make the wrong choice. I was respecting my needs at that time. I had a different preference then.
Reasons you are not defined by your “wrong” choice:
1. We change
We are changing beings with changing preferences. For the rest of our lives, we are going to be changing course. As long as we are growing, thoughtful and curious humans, we will try many different hats.
2. We have changing preferences
Trust that past-you was doing her/his best with what they knew. You weren’t sabotaging yourself you were solving for the needs of that moment.
If you now desire a different outcome, you didn’t mess up your life. You changed your preferences & that is a natural, human thing.
Eventually, we ALWAYS arrive at a point where we have different priorities. That is not something to judge poorly; it’s something to judge well. We were taking care of ourselves by listening to the needs & preferences we had at that time.
💬 If you want help sorting through past choices with some fresh perspective, you’re warmly invited to book a consult. We’ll untangle the old stories together.
3. We learn
Our decision may have created a scenario we don’t like. But that only means we either had more to learn or we changed our preferences. Somewhere along the line, we picked up the (bonkers) idea that we’re supposed to know everything on the first try and if we don’t, we must be losers.
Neither the choice you made nor its consequence defines you. It simply means you may have more to learn in that area – just like every other imperfect human being on the planet.
4. We need compassion
When we remember we’re just beautifully imperfect humans doing our best with what’s on hand…
5. Hindsight is not 20/20
It is just as unfair to make our choices mean something about our worth as using hindsight to decide we made the wrong choice. That’s not being wrong. That’s being human. Remember those changing preferences?
You think yesterday’s choice was a disaster but yesterday, it felt like a pretty good idea. Past-you had their reasons! So give past-you the grace & the credit she/he/they deserve.
Even if my choice led me there, my circumstances don’t define me.
My worthiness is not contingent on any decision, event, job, relationship, hobby or house.
If you don’t love where you are at because of your choices, trust that you made the best choice possible for you at the time, given what you knew at the time.
6. Our conclusions don’t always reflect reality
We’re brilliant at rewriting history, usually in the least flattering way possible.
We make a choice that we don’t like the outcome of & often the conclusion we tell ourselves is: “See, I never make the right decision. I always get it wrong. Why can’t I ever get it right?” etc…
This is letting our circumstances define who we are. We are saying that where ever we find ourselves in life reflects the definition of our being.
The reality is: I decided on something in the past that led to an intended or unintended consequence. Now I want different things. That’s usually all the reality there is.
The result of your choice is a part of your journey, not a part of you.
You’re not done. You have more journey left in you to make a different choice in the future.
You never have to be defined by any one moment.
Wand? Check. Owl? Check. Guaranteed perfect decisions? Nope, but that’s okay.
7. WE AREN’T WIZARDS
No one has a crystal ball. Not you, not I can see into the future, either to anticipate consequences or to foresee our changing needs, wants & desires.
We make decisions based on what we know at the time. We don’t intend to cause harm to ourselves or set out to make the “wrong” choice.
We don’t wake up plotting ways to sabotage ourselves. E. V. E. R.
Related Posts:
Why Am I So Indecisive? Finding Our Self-Trust.
How To Stop Stressing About The Future.
Accept The Things You Cannot Change.
All Posts in the category:
Understanding Control
