Fighting intense emotions is like fighting an incoming wave, they surround and submerge you again.
Feelings can hit us like a wall of water we didn’t see coming. In those moments, it’s easy to feel lost and powerless. But intense emotions are not something you need to fear. They are part of being human, and with practice, you can learn to relate to them differently.
This article will help you:
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Shift your relationship with your feelings
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Neutralise the judgement that makes sensations worse
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Create realistic goals and supportive thoughts
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Know when to train your brain and when to slow down
Table of Contents
A New Relationship with Intense Emotions
A new relationship with emotions begins with awareness: notice how you react when they feel overwhelming.
How Do We Stop Stress?
Emotions can feel like uninvited guests who burst into the room without warning. Instead of trying to throw them out, you can learn to greet them, understand them, and set boundaries. Developing a relationship with your emotions allows you to respond with calm instead of reacting in panic.
“When intense emotions arrive, your first response doesn’t have to be fear, it could be curiosity.”
Many of us are wired to feel stress more quickly than others. Genetics, family patterns, or past trauma may have created a nervous system that is more sensitive. That sensitivity is not a flaw; it’s part of your design. What matters is how you relate to the emotions once they arrive. Fear is often just a thought not a real danger and recognising that truth shifts the ground under your feet.
Pointers for Shaping a New Relationship:
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Name the Emotion: Label what you’re feeling: anger, fear, sadness. Naming gives distance.
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Pause Before Responding: Remind yourself you can choose how to respond.
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Ask What It Needs: Sometimes emotions soften when acknowledged.
Intense Emotions Are Not Good or Bad
Sometimes emotions feel life threatening but they’re just signals to listen to.
We often treat feelings as if they’re either blessings or curses. Yet intense emotions are neutral messengers, not enemies. Resisting them only adds weight. When you see them as part of life’s rhythm, like waves in the ocean, you stop wasting energy on judgment.
“Half of life will feel uncomfortable and that doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means you’re alive.”
On any given day, about half of our experiences feel pleasant and half unpleasant. Trying to avoid all “bad” feelings means you’re fighting reality.
A healthier approach is to neutralise those events and allow yourself to move through them. Acceptance reduces the constant pressure to control life. Perfectionism only adds to the struggle, you don’t need to manage emotions flawlessly. The goal is not elimination, but softer, steadier response.
Helpful Ideas for Seeing Emotions Differently:
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Remember 50/50: Expect both pleasant and unpleasant.
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Stop Chasing Perfection: Respond more often, not perfectly.
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Check In First: Before using your “plan,” ask what your body really needs.
- Neutralize life events: Allow whatever event is happening with a curious mind-set (except for being chased by a Wooley Mammoth).
Perfection Is Not the Goal
Perfection adds pressure, learning to let go brings calm.
Once you learn “better” tools for managing stress, it’s tempting to believe you must execute them perfectly every time. The moment you fall short, self-criticism flares: “I should know better, why can’t I get this right?” That’s perfectionist thinking at work.
“The goal is not to never feel stress, the goal is to respond more often with choice, and judge yourself less when you stumble.”
Even with the best plan, you won’t always neutralise anxiety. Neither do I. And that’s not failure. Progress is about building the capacity to react less, and respond more, over time. Sometimes, rushing into “the plan” too quickly is itself a perfectionist tactic — a way of avoiding the rawness of the emotional experience.
Instead, allow space before moving into strategy. Have your plan ready, but pause long enough to check in with your body.
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Ask yourself: What do I need right now?
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Take a steady breath.
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Notice the sensations that aren’t in panic: your feet on the ground, your back against the chair…
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Shift some attention there before engaging with your next step.
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Then, move gently into your chosen behaviour or thought-based tool.
Pointers for Letting Go of Perfectionism:
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Progress, Not Perfection: Aim for “more often,” not “all the time.”
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Check In First: Pause before rushing into coping strategies.
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Ground in the Present: Anchor with neutral body sensations before taking action.
→ A GIFT for you ←
When perfectionism softens, space opens for compassion and steadier practices. That’s when small daily rituals can make the biggest difference.
Even five minutes of gentle nervous system care can shift how intense emotions land in your body.
3. Watch your thoughts about intense emotions:
Thoughts can make intense emotions heavier than they already are. When you think, “This is unbearable, I’m going crazy,” you multiply your suffering. Catastrophic thoughts fuel anticipatory anxiety, where fear of the next wave becomes as painful as the wave itself.
“Your thoughts about emotions can create more stress than the emotions themselves.”
Instead of resisting discomfort, practise tolerating it. Control is mostly an illusion, but you can control your relationship to your thoughts.
By observing rather than fusing with them, you reduce their power. Even a short pause like ten seconds of noticing sensations without judgement, can create breathing room between you and the overwhelm.
Strategies to Soften Thought Spirals:
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Ten Seconds of Stillness: Sit, notice, let the feeling exist briefly without acting.
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Name Thoughts as Thoughts: Say to yourself, “This is just a thought, not a fact.”
- Write the thought down: This can provide physical distance.
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Shift the Channel: Look for neutral sensations like feet on the floor.
Train Your Brain Like a Muscle
Just like muscles grow with practice your emotional resilience strengthens each time you work with your emotions
The brain is not literally a muscle, but it learns like one. Just as muscles grow through time under tension, your nervous system builds tolerance when gradually exposed to emotional strain. Small, repeated doses build resilience; overexposure creates burnout.
“Intense emotions become easier to manage when you train your brain slowly, not forcefully.”
If you fear rejection in social situations, plunging into a crowded party is likely too much. Begin smaller: imagine the situation, then try a five-minute exposure, then build up.
This steady progression creates strength without harm. Likewise, if sadness or stress overwhelms you, learn to feel it in small, safe ways instead of pushing it away. The more you practise, the more your system learns that emotions aren’t threats.
Ways to Train Emotional Endurance:
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Start Small: Choose mild challenges first. If setting boundaries with family is hard, set a boundary with an acquaintance first.
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Increase Gradually: Add exposure in tiny steps.
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Rest Between Rounds: Recovery is part of growth.
Build the Observing Ego
Observing ego means watching yourself while you feel. Instead of fusing with emotions, you become a witness to them. This builds psychological flexibility: the skill of staying present even when discomfort is loud.
“You are not your intense emotions, you are the one who notices them.”
If you tell yourself “I’m just an anxious person,” you fuse identity with stress. Observing changes the story: “I sometimes experience anxiety, but I am more than that.” This shift opens choices. Each time you watch rather than react, you prove to yourself that emotions can visit without running your life.
Practices to Strengthen the Observer:
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Step Back: Notice yourself as if from the outside.
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Language Shift: Replace “I am anxious” with “I notice anxiety.”
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Track Options: Ask, What else could I choose here?
Helpful Pointers for Calming Intense Emotions
Every tool you use builds a new pathway in your nervous system. Small, daily practices matter.
“The more often you practise calming skills, the more natural they become when intensity rises.”
Grounded strategies you can begin today:
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Notice Perfectionism: Let go of doing it “right.”
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Ground in Neutral Sensations: Focus on calm areas of your body.
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Use Gentle Exposure: Build tolerance step by step.
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Practise Stillness: Ten seconds at a time can rewire your brain.
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Remember Feelings Aren’t Facts: Emotions are experiences, not truths.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1. How can I calm intense emotions quickly?
Try grounding: slow your breath, feel your feet on the floor, and name five things you see. These quick cues signal safety to your nervous system.
Q2. Why do my emotions feel bigger than other people’s?
Some nervous systems are wired for stronger stress responses due to genetics, upbringing, or trauma. You’re not broken you just need tools that fit your system.
Q3. Can perfectionism make emotions worse?
Yes. Expecting yourself to manage stress perfectly adds more pressure. Progress, not perfection, is the sustainable goal.
Ready to Build a Calmer Relationship With Your Feelings?
Even the most overwhelming emotions can soften when you have the right tools and support.
Let’s take the next step together.
