The antidote to feeling left out…

Which one means belonging to you?

1. Being comfortable in relationships AND set apart by your uniqueness?
2. Being seen & accepted for who you are in a crowd?

#2 is a common response BUT the one that causes pain.

There’s nothing wrong with being accepted, but if that’s our prerequisite for belonging, we will never belong.

If we think belonging depends on something outside of ourselves, we set ourselves up for pain because we can’t control how others see us.

Those who “accept” us today may not accept us tomorrow. People change. Their responses are based on their perceptions of themselves, NOT on you.

When we place our sense of belonging in someone else’s hands, we feel left out & we are gambling with our worth. IF, however, we learn to trust ourselves & our thoughts:

1. We don’t feel the need to influence other people’s thoughts about us.
2. We DON’T FEEL PANIC when we sense they are going to disagree with our choices.
3. We don’t need them to APPROVE of us to be approved.

We trust ourselves & like ourselves enough to decide we belong because WE think so, not because anyone else does.

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Here are 7 ways to create self-trust & stop feeling left out:

1. Get to know yourself.

You can’t trust someone you don’t know.

When was the last time you listened to your thoughts?  I mean, got quiet and heard them?  You may not even know how to do that; most people don’t.

We spend far more time listening to other people’s thoughts, either in person or social media. It’s time to value yours.    Spend as much time getting to know yourself as you do getting to know other people.

Spend some time listening to your thoughts more than others’ words.  Then learn to value that person.  Observe him/her/them.

Let yourself know you are worth your time by actually giving it to yourself.

2. Watch how often you seek crowd acceptance.

Just observe yourself during the day.  How often do your thoughts wander to “I wonder what they think of that?” “Did I sound stupid when I said that?” “I hope they like me.”

Get aware of how much time your mind spends on the acceptance of other people.

What does it mean to be accepted?  What would happen if you weren’t?

Get familiar with your reasons to seek acceptance & approval from other people, then ask yourself: “Is any of this acceptance-seeking actually helping me?” “How does it make me feel about myself?”

We reduce our self-confidence and self-trust when we spend more time trying to be accepted by someone else. So instead, learn to accept yourself.

Look at the things about you that you genuinely like. Don’t fake it.  Your mind will know the difference.  Start to increase the time you spend authentically accepting of your actions & ideas.

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3. Learn to approve of yourself.

Think of a decision you’ve made that either you are or used to seek approval on & act on it in 2 ways:

1. Write it down or speak it out loud to yourself.
2. Read it with the intent to decide that your approval is all you need to implement your idea.  You don’t need anyone else’s.

Another antidote to feeling left out is realizing that you don’t have to wait on people to approve of your ideas before it’s ok to act on them.

This takes some practise at first.  Writing down your idea will clarify what about it is important to you.  Writing your reasons why it’s important sends a stronger message to your mind than thought does.

4. Don’t ask permission to reduce feeling left out.

Do some new things without asking for permission or seeking out validation.

This will feel awkward and possibly disingenuous at first.  Talk yourself through the action and keep moving.

Keeping ourselves in a comfort zone is what our brains want.  Your brain doesn’t care if the zone hurts, it just wants you to stay the same.

Let your mind know that some things might feel uncomfortable, but they won’t kill you.

Then flip the script.  If you don’t know what others are thinking, assume the best.  You have no evidence to the contrary, so make a choice that feels good, or at least, neutral!

At least assume they are not thinking about you at all. Frankly, they’re probably also worried about what others think about them!

6. Don’t apologize so much.

Watch how often you apologize, then ACT on it by reducing the frequency (even when it’s uncomfortable).

 

7. Be Brave with your ideas but also be chill.

Offer your unique & valuable thoughts & ideas instead of what you think others want to hear.

People often value your thoughts more than you think they do.  Just assume that and share them; however, share for your satisfaction, not theirs.  Participate to create your self-confidence, not to impress anyone.

Be ready for the feedback.  Some people won’t agree.  If your goal is not to get a bunch of yes-people, it will make moments that others disagree less stressful.

When we are CHILL about our opinions, we aren’t rocked when people disagree.

Confidence allows for constructive disagreement.  Believe in what you think, but let others believe in what they think too.

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Benefits of creating our own belonging:

1. We allow others to have their views.

2. Their opinions about us don’t threaten our value.

3. Our emotions are in our own hands.

4. Our sense of safety is stable.

5. Our thoughts & opinions are not buffeted by judgment or criticism.

6. There’s less asking: “What do they think about me?” & more asking “What do I think about them?”

When we value our thoughts more than the thoughts of others, we STOP apologizing & explaining so often.

We STOP trying to guess what others want to hear.

You have more energy & life gets easier.

Some people require only one or two Kickstart sessions to inspire them in the direction they want to go. If you feel stuck & frustrated, don’t delay – book a session with Tess René Coaching today.💛

Quick Tips:
Here are 7 WAYS TO Create True Belonging; I recently posted on Instagram

More articles from Tess:
The Habits of Indecision That Are Killing Your Self-Trust.
How To Stop Stressing About The Future.
How To Keep Going When You Want To Quit.
Why I Write a Blog. Full Community, Fears & Gratitude.
10 Confidence Boosters That Reform Your Thinking.
Healthy Thoughts & Mindset Strategies Blog
How to Process Your Negative Feelings
What is Emotional Enmeshment?
7 Ways To Start Feeling Better About Yourself.